Season Change

It's officially Fall. Change is everywhere. It's beautiful. It's messy. and thats exactly where I am. I'm a beautiful mess! So much has changed in my life in such a short time and it's really just starting to hit me. It hurts. It's confusing. But it's hopeful, that is if I take hold of the change. I could be like the things that are dying all around me with the seasons change, or I could be like the things that are going into hibernation just to come back in a few months more beautiful and stronger than ever. 

"If nothing ever changed, 

there'd be no butterflies." [unknown]

I want to be a butterfly. I want to change. 

Let me tell you a secret. I've been a mess for awhile! I've been on autopilot, survival mode, for just about six months. It has nearly been six months since the day I can easily classify as the worst day of my life, April 22nd. This is the day I began suppressing all of my own feelings just to get through the things that needed to be done. The day I began pretending I was strong, that I was ok. I was NOT ok!

This is the day I watched my Dad in one of the most beautiful places on earth gasp for air, to simply just breath, I watched him turn blue,  I watched him collapse into my husbands arms. And then I couldn't watch anymore. I watched my sister come to me gasping for air, sobbing, confused, and scared. I watched a complete stranger pound air into my Dad. Thats when my knees buckled. Thats when I gasped for air. And thats when I choked back everything I was seeing, I swallowed my cries, brushed away tears, and went back to my sister "calm and collected". She needed me. My kids needed me. The hospital needed me. Forms needed me. Insurance needed me. 

When the nurses told me they got his heart beating again, thats when my knees buckled again. I wanted to see him! He was alive! But I couldn't, my feet wouldn't let me, they told me first to compose myself, he needs you. I told myself I needed to be strong, he needed to see that, so I brushed away the tears. I saw him, he didn't see me. His eyes were open. What? He's supposed to be alive, this is where I'm supposed to hug him and he tells me to stop worrying, that he's ok. He was NOT ok! 

So the fight continued. 

From that day on, I've been fighting to survive. There were so many details to sort out, and nothing could wait, so it was mind over matter, get what needs to be done and we'll deal with everything else later. Two days to get my sister, husband, and daughter home. Two days to get new visas for my Dad, Myself, and Zachery. Two days to relocate to a new hotel near the hospital! Two days till my Mom arrived. Two days! Two days?  When your world stops, the rest of the world doesn't and it doesn't wait for you to sort yourself out. 

For four weeks I stayed behind, for my Dad, for my Mom. Four weeks my Mom, Zachery, and I lived in an apartment near the hospital. I saw my Dad everyday. I sprinted to his side, two blocks, when they called and the phone disconnected, again gasping for air, I was there thinking could they possibly be calling me because he's gone? He was "ok", just more forms that needed me. I smiled for my husband and daughter on Skype, they were ok, how bittersweet, I wanted to be there, I wanted to be ok. For four weeks I prayed everything would be ok. 

Then we got to go home. Finally.

We were home. Reunited with family, Sevio, Rylee, my sister, brothers, and... my Dad. But he still wasn't ok. I watched him week by week, day by day, deteriorate. He even changed color like these fall leaves. Three more weeks past, June. 11th, thats when we lost him. My Dad, my kids Papa, we lost him! I had to work that day, Mom called and said the Dr.'s said that it was the day, I got off as soon I could. He waited for me, I think he knew I had to be there. By noon I was by his side, this was it, seven weeks, he had fought hard, and with my hand in his I watched him gasp for air.

That was it, he took his his last breath. 

For seven weeks I had an unrelenting feeling that everything would be ok. It wasn't. Since then life was hurled at me like a hurricane. One funeral, two wedding showers, one baby shower, three weddings, a 10 year reunion, an anniversary, a birthday, a new neice, and last but not least a move! I was on autopilot. On the outside I pretended everything was ok. And it was, just so long as nobody asked, and I ignored the memories of that awful day and the seven weeks that had followed it. 

Just about six months have past. I'm not ok. 

My heart hurts. My eyes leak like the rain falls... a lot. Six months of suppression and its now hitting me! But again, that feeling, everything is going to be ok! Everything does not and has not gone the way I want, but it has changed me. I'm not going to be knocked down forever, but it takes time to rejuvenate, just like the seasons, Fall turns to Winter, Winter turns to Spring, and with Spring there is new life. I believe I'm in the transition of Fall to Winter, I've fallen, I'm dying... but I'm not, I'm hibernating, growing and strengthening my roots, and hopeful for new life. 

So here I am processing, evolving, changing. Slowly, but surely.

My life is completely different now, events in my life define who I am, who I want to be, and where I am going. I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this, but even in my weakest moments God has been with me. Through all the recent valleys I see now I had a strength I never knew I had, a perseverance I never knew I had, a faith I never knew I had. I knew in Thailand without a doubt God was with me, I relied on Him for everything. I've forgotten that. In my autopilot I've forgotten Him. And now today, I remember. I know that "His grace is sufficient, it is in my weakness that His power is made perfect" (Paraphrased 2 Corinthians 12:9a).  I am strong! I am strong because He is with me through all my hardships, my pain, my fear, and my weaknesses. I may be a work in progress but I am through Him "perfect in my imperfection" (strangely enough thats the quote we had on our wedding favours... coincidence... I think not! I think, God reiterates certain facts to us throughout life for us to take notice... he really means it and wants us to believe it!)

So here's to change and trudging through the mess of the past to get to a future that is far more better and more beautiful than I've ever known.