I'm gonna get right to the point, no sugar coating, no nothing, this past month has been a tough one!
This past week especially has felt like I've hit the wall, i am: emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted! I recognize I have a choice...to sit where I am (which is a sucky place to be), I retreat and ignore it all (which will put me in a worse state I'm sure), or I tried to climb, hit, go around, do something to get past this blockage and move on with life!
Thankfully I have a husband who is understanding and has given me this morning to take a time out and just be. Be alone, be me, be with God.
I have spent the last couple years losing a pieces of myself, very important pieces, my joy and love for life. My once extroverted carefree personality has shriveled into itself. My excitement to try new things and live life as an adventure has dried up. I'm tired, I'm impatient, I'm a perfectionist, I worry too much, I think WAY too much about what others think, and I have no aspirations or dreams to strive after. (sad? yes...this much I know)
Currently I feel like I'm in a place where I'm over sensitive (and no not because I have raging pregnancy hormones), that because of this I can take something someone says or a look they give and turn it into something wildly negative. I feel like I'm unlikable, inept at everything, and have an uncanny ability to do/say things wrong at all times. It makes me nervous, shy, and yes right now I believe I am junk! (This video nails how I feel, especially at 7:05 onward)
I'm trying to have the perspective that these things are just lies, and in my head I know they are lies, but in my heart they are truth and have been for a long time ... thus the reason why I'm stuck in a rut and can't get out...at least by myself.
Over the last couple weeks I've felt like God has been trying to teach me about love, and originally I thought it was to help me to learn to love His people the way He loves them, unconditionally and wholeheartedly not dependent on works or social status. I'm beginning to think the purpose of this is more for me, to recognize I'm am the one that is loved unconditionally and wholeheartedly, I am NOT JUNK, I am an original masterpiece set apart to do amazing things, its a truth and I need to believe it. For it is when I accept this I can begin to love myself and love others again.
So I've read through the gospel of John highlighting the word "love" and found it is used in one form or another 54 times (at least by my calculation...)! My next step in this study was to see which form of love (in Greek there are a few different variants of love) is used and in context to who and then going a little deeper to how all this love relates and applies to my life. I've started journaling through these things as well as trying to write down one thing a day I'm grateful for, recognizing the reality that there are things in my life to be happy about, & there are people who actually love me.
Slowly but surely I believe God is chipping away at my feelings of perpetual inadequacy and showing me what it is to love again. To love me, love life, and love others. I have been resting on this verse, and see it regularily as it is the first page of my journal...
