God Doesn't Make Junk

Thursday, September 26, 2013

I'm gonna get right to the point, no sugar coating, no nothing, this past month has been a tough one! 

This past week especially has felt like I've hit the wall, i am: emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted! I recognize I have a choice...to sit where I am (which is a sucky place to be), I retreat and ignore it all (which will put me in a worse state I'm sure), or I tried to climb, hit, go around, do something to get past this blockage and move on with life!

Thankfully I have a husband who is understanding and has given me this morning to take a time out and just be. Be alone, be me, be with God.

I have spent the last couple years losing a pieces of myself, very important pieces, my joy and love for life. My once extroverted carefree personality has shriveled into itself. My excitement to try new things and live life as an adventure has dried up. I'm tired, I'm impatient, I'm a perfectionist, I worry too much, I think WAY too much about what others think, and I have no aspirations or dreams to strive after. (sad? yes...this much I know)

Currently I feel like I'm in a place where I'm over sensitive (and no not because I have raging pregnancy hormones), that because of this I can take something someone says or a look they give and turn it into something wildly negative. I feel like I'm unlikable, inept at everything, and have an uncanny ability to do/say things wrong at all times. It makes me nervous, shy, and yes right now I believe I am junk! (This video nails how I feel, especially at 7:05 onward)

I'm trying to have the perspective that these things are just lies, and in my head I know they are lies, but in my heart they are truth and have been for a long time ... thus the reason why I'm stuck in a rut and can't get out...at least by myself.

Over the last couple weeks I've felt like God has been trying to teach me about love, and originally I thought it was to help me to learn to love His people the way He loves them, unconditionally and wholeheartedly not dependent on works or social status. I'm beginning to think the purpose of this is more for me, to recognize I'm am the one that is loved unconditionally and wholeheartedly, I am NOT JUNK, I am an original masterpiece set apart to do amazing things, its a truth and I need to believe it. For it is when I accept this I can begin to love myself and love others again.

So I've read through the gospel of John highlighting the word "love" and found it is used in one form or another 54 times (at least by my calculation...)! My next step in this study was to see which form of love (in Greek there are a few different variants of love) is used and in context to who and then going a little deeper to how all this love relates and applies to my life. I've started journaling through these things as well as trying to write down one thing a day I'm grateful for, recognizing the reality that there are things in my life to be happy about, & there are people who actually love me.

Slowly but surely I believe God is chipping away at my feelings of perpetual inadequacy and showing me what it is to love again. To love me, love life, and love others. I have been resting on this verse, and see it regularily as it is the first page of my journal...

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 36:26)


  1. You ARE loved, not just by God, but by everyone who knows you! its easy to feel overwhelmed and insignificant when your'e a busy wife & Mom...its hard to see the rewards now, but they do come and its an awesome feeling! hang in there Katie...hugs <3

  2. I am so thankful for you! I know this has been a hard season for you (and me), and I could not have imagined how my time here would have been without you. You are beautiful, precious, important and loved. Keep your head up, you have not failed in any way. You have been working for the Lord and He is pleased with you. Even if no one else sees or cares, know that He is thankful and so proud of you!

  3. Katie, first of all I am really proud of you taking the courage to share something so intimate and close to your heart on your blog. It takes a lot of courage to show vulnerability, especially for all to see! The nice thing, is when you share your heart you'll find that a lot of people will either relate or share really uplifting words...which is what you need!
    I for one am so impressed with how strong you are. Having a baby right after marriage and another on the way...and then moving to Thailand soon after! Gesh girl, you are a rock! It may "feel" like you are losing bits of yourself, and that's probably because you've had so much responsibility thrown at you the past couple of years...but even though I don't see you often, I still see "my" Katie. The girl who wanted to travel the world, who had a heart for Thailand and living in different cultures. You are living an adventure, it just may be harder than you originally thought it would be!
    Regardless, you are extremely loved and you have been created just the way you are supposed to be :)

    xx -b.

  4. I love your determination, I always have...you are a fighter not a quitter! It is so true that in order to love others, we must learn to love ourselves and the only way to do that is to get how much we are loved by our Jesus. I too had a layer blocking me from receiving His love, I didn't feel I deserved it...but that's just it, we don't deserve it, but He loves us anyways and there is nothing we could ever do to change that! I love that video clip too, I remember watching it in Church, God is so interested in chipping away all the negative and helping us to live in our new positive nature!
    I am so proud of your courage, hang in there because it is so totally worth every minute of it. God has blessed you with a wonderful husband, a precious adorable daughter and now a son on the way...you must be one special pumpkin to your Heavenly Papa!!! We are all praying for you, sending you our hugs and love...xxoxoxoxoxox Michele


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