Monday, November 28, 2016

I'm not sure where to begin with this, but yesterday I was told off a bit for being a snob. "Uhhhh ok" was my immediate response. I could take immediate offense to that (I did a little). I could get depressed and wallow in self pity (I did that too). Or I could take a look at myself and find out why I give off a "snob" impression to this person, or realistically people in general, if one thinks it I'm sure they're not the only ones.

To tell you the truth, it hurt, and I definitely cried (publically and it was humiliating). When someone sees something negative in you that's the last thing you want to hear. Especially because more often than not we are just misunderstood, our behaviours aren't necessarily who we are, its just something deeper within us that's coming to the surface in a negative way, something that needs healing. I applaud this person for calling me out, its not easy to do, we need people like that to tell us these things because unfortunately we forget we're imperfect. Who we think we are on the inside rarely transposes to who we are on the outside, that would be why "first impressions" are so important to us humans, what we give off by our behaviour and attitudes set the tone for any relationships.

I did look at myself after this encounter and I can definitely see for an outsider/acquaintance perspective I do come off "snobbish". I obviously do not have intentions of hurting people by ignoring them or avoiding them. This is where I realized there's something far more deeper going on inside, out of my own fears and hurts its showcasing negatively on the outside. I do this with people I haven't seen in a long time, or that I don't know very well, its not because I don't like them, it's quite frankly because I'm scared of them, I don't know where I stand with them, and I'm scared of what they think of me. So apparently I let them think the worst of me... awesome (insert all kinds of sarcasm there). I have a major fear of people, I have a fear of real connections with people, and I have a fear of getting hurt by people.

I used to be a real people person, I loved to help people (I still do), and I loved to love people. Who I am now is truly heartbreaking in comparison. I know I didn't get to this place overnight, its been a gradual thing that's compounded with time. Over the past five to ten years I've been especially hurt by people (who hasn't), people who I've been very close with and people who have expected a lot out of me, I've been let down when I've needed people the most, and I've felt many times like the second fiddle. I'm not blaming these instances or people, it's all on me, I've let all of these moments get to me, to define who I am. Walls have been put up, blinders put in place, relationships have been cut off, my expectations on people run high, and I'm now this hollow person who avoids others because I don't feel like I'm worth their time or like I will fit in as simple imperfect me.

Now clearly fixing my wounded heart and fears isn't going to happen overnight either. But the first step is recognizing I am not who I want to be and taking baby steps to become the best version of myself. These baby steps can be: making eye contact when my whole body tells me not to; smiling at people even when it gives me anxiety; saying a "Hi, how are you?" when all I want to do is turn and run the other way... these things seem simple, very simple, but recognize this people, fear is debilitating and "simple" can be very overwhelming. Hopefully along the way I'll meet grace and forgiveness and people who can love me through this mess I've gotten myself into. And well, its also another lesson for me and others, don't assume the worst in a person, try to look beyond yourself and recognize they probably have something deeper going on that's making them emote something ugly, find the light inside them, love them, listen to them, understand there's another side to what we see.

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